What the fuck?

Note upfront

There are plenty of very good blogs out there that deal with depression in one way or another.
Most of them are about compound diagnoses: depression plus <insert additional unpleasantness>. Many of them take an almost diary-esque approach: “my life and times with depression”, adding tips and advice for living as best as you can with something so debilitating.

Excellent stuff, the majority.
But not at all what I was looking for. See, here’s the thing: I am not looking for advice. I am actually trying to find out if there are any other thoughts out there on the contemplation of suicide as an actual potential solution (rather than to steer away from it at all costs), and a blow-by-blow account of that path, wherever it ended up.

But I really cound’t find anyhing in that vein.
So then, as per usual, I’ll bloody do it myself.

Don’t cry for me, Paroxetina

I know (and totally understand) what you must be thinking. And listen! No! Been there, done that! This is NOT a cry for help. I have all the help and medication I need and everything I think, say or do is shared openly with professionals and those closest to me.

I have started this blog for one reason and one reason only: to chronicle this journey, wherever it leads.
My hopes are that it will yield either better understanding in future –if only for myself – of this state of mind and how to navigate its processes. Or it will serve as an explanation for where I end up,  much better than a ‘goodbye letter’ which by its very nature is a static moment in time and never yields proper  answers to those left behind.
Either –to my mind- may be incredibly worthwhile.

And as my vanity apparently is still fully intact, I have chosen to write this blog in English, considering that it might even be interesting  beyond our own borders.
Told you.I am vain.


Yes, I am well aware of the risks involved.

Even though I am not using my full name, there are plenty of leads –not least of which being that I actually link to this blog on my Facebook page- that make identifying me a doddle.

My decision to be completely open about where I am, what I am doing, and where I am going, and to share this as broadly as I am involves certain considerations.

  • There are those who simply will not understand. Either because they literally can not. I will try explaining depression and its impact on a personal level in one of my posts, but I already know there are those among my acquaintances who simply cannot be able to feel what I feel (and thank all that is holy for that). And some of them may well consider this a pathetic need for attention, or me just needing a kick in the butt.
    I may possibly lose their respect, their love, or even their presence in my life entirely. That thought, to be honest with you,  scares me more than anything else..

  • Among those who have access will be several professional acquaintances.
    So I am counting on some fallout or at the very least some very hard questions at work, or regarding any potential future jobs.

  • Should I get through this, it will be a very easy Google search for anyone to find this blog. And any self-respecting girl will always google a potentially romantic  prospect. So they’ll find I’m massively damaged goods. Which obviously will not bode particularly well for any chances for any future with regards to love as I will quickly prove to be not so much affable as rather off my head…

I know all this.

But I have to do this. The benefits (far) outweigh the risks.
I will accept any consequences, whichever way I go.
And I will not take this blog down.

This is me.

I am Mister H. , Dutch born and bred.
I am at the very dusk of my forties.
I am very fond of my beautiful cat.
I am a lover of champagne and good food.
I am generally a pretty funny guy. Knowledgeable too.
I am also broken.